How many monkeys does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to do it and one to scratch his bum.

If you are really into light bulbs, you should definitely check out the newsgroup alt.fan.lightbulbs. The FAQ maintainer and probably biggest light bulb joke collector is Brian <brian6@vaxc.mdx.ac.uk> who contributed very very many jokes to this collection. If you are looking for other such collections of jokes, check out Nathan Mates' Humor Archives or Derek Cashman's Wrecked Humor Page. You should also take a look at Jay's Comedy Club. The following categories are available:

People from various countries and states

How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five. One to screw it in and four to write the environmental impact statement.
How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. Californians don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs!
  2. Five. One to screw in the light bulb and four to share the experience.
How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. Five. One to screw in the light bulb and four to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience.
  2. Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the nuclear power plant that generates the electricity that powers it.
How many Alaskan women does it take to change a light bulb?
"Hey Bob, this is Carol ... I think I have a light bulb out over here."
How many Alaskan men does it take to change a light bulb?
Oh, none ... they just have one of their girlfriends do it. [bitter laugh]
How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. None of your fuckin' business, get outta my way!
  2. 50. 50? Yeah 50; it's in the contract.
How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness.
How many Canadians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. Four. One to spray green paint onto the bulb so noone bashes it with a big stick, one to change it, one to suggest they all roll a log down a hill to celebrate, and one to invite all the others round to his log cabin so they can all watch his moose moult.
  2. Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how to solve the problem, one Francophone to complain that I didn't translate this joke into French, one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native Canadians have been overlooked, one woman from the National Action Committee On the Status Of Women to say that women have been underrepresented in the process, one to go over the border to the Niagara Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy a new bulb and not pay duty on it on the way back, one to actually screw it in, one to collect taxes on the whole procedure so the government can afford it, one to buy a case of Molson for everybody to drink, and one to drop the puck.
How many Torontonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. Fifty-one to do it and the other forty-nine to proclaim it's the greatest event in the history of creation, a truly world-class bulb screwing.
  2. One, but he leaves the old bulb in the parking lot of the Walden Galleria.
How many Filipinoes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
We don't know. The new bulb keeps getting shot at the airport.
How many Englishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
What do you mean change it? It's a perfectly good bloody bulb! We have had it for a thousand years and it has worked just fine.
How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. Ve are asking ze qvestions here!
  2. Two, one to give the order that the bulb be changed and one to screw it in.
  3. None. They assign the task to a gastarbeiter.
How many Belgians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and one to put some chips with it.
How many Argentinians does it take to change a light bulb?
9000 and its their light bulb
How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't need to, they glow in the dark.
How many Poles does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!
How many Polish-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
170. One to send the Never Fail Novena to the Cheektowaga Times for publication so St. Jude may grant the light bulb request, one to say the Last Rites for the old light bulb, ten volunteer firemen to break into the house and smash the old light bulb to bits, fifty to protest the abortion of the old light bulb, ten to organize a lawn fete and spaghetti dinner at Our Most Holy Precious Blood of the Seventeen Martyred Saints R.C. Church to raise funds to buy a new light bulb (and the Monsignor a new pair of bowling shoes as a gift on St. Stanislaus Day), twenty from Chiavettas Catering to serve the food, twenty to run the Monte Carlo gambling tent, fifty to run everything else, one to go to Koplinskis Appliances to buy the light bulb, one to screw it in, five to say the Rosary as the bulb is being screwed in, and the Monsignor to bless it.
How many Soviet emigres does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. None. Soviet emigres are used to sitting in the dark.
  2. One, and a lot of light bulbs.
  3. Three. One to force the bulb in with a hammer, one to steal more bulbs, one to ask NYANA for a bigger hammer.
  4. Four. One to stand on a chair and hold the bulb, two to lift the chair by its legs, one to call an American and to ask which way to turn the chair.
How many light bulbs does it take to change a Soviet emigre?
One, if you aim well.
What do a Soviet emigre and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common?
Neither one is very bright.
A Soviet emigre climbs on a dinner table to change a light bulb. His girlfriend tries to put a newspaper under his dirty sneakers. ``Don't bother, I'll reach it anyway.''
How many African Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drive the pink Cadillac in tight circles.
  2. Four hundred to march on the power company and threaten to burn it down if they don't hire some African Americans to do it.
How many Italian-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I dunno exactly, but my brothers girlfriends fathers boss secretary's sister's next door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Seargant-of-Arms nephew's best friend did it real cheap for me once.
How many Italians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and one to sprinkle it with Parmesan. (Refers to the Italian restaurant habit of sprinkling everything with Parmesan, even though it makes everything smell convincingly of sick.)
How many Asians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it and two to go to the cash & carry.
How many Serbs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two-one to shoot the old bulb out and one to screw the new one in.
How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It doesn't matter, they don't have any electricity anymore.
How many Iraqi soldiers does it take to change a light bulb?
One. He takes it back to Baghdad for safe keeping.....
How many Iranians does it take to change a light bulb?
One hundred - One to screw it in and 99 to hold the house hostage.
How many Shiites does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to hijack a light bulb, one to commandeer a jet to Beirut airport, one to hold press conferences, and one to negotiate with Israel and the US for the release of fluorescent bulbs held in hostage around the world!!
How many Israelis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Six-four to storm the room and take control of it, one to forcibly eject the old bulb, and another one to screw it in.
How many Arabs does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it took three U.S. advisors to tell them that it was burnt out in the first place.
How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
16. One to change the bulb and fifteen to stand around and say "Good on yer, mate!"
How many New Zealanders does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but you have to pry him off the sheep first.
How many armies does it take to change a light bulb?
At least five. The Germans to start it, the French to give up really easily after only trying for a little while, the Italians to make a start, get nowhere, and then try again from the other side, the Americans to turn up late and finish it off and take all the credit, and the Swiss to pretend nothing out of the ordinary is happening.

Politics

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
  2. Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.
How many dead politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
As many as possible.
How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
  2. None, they can all see by the light at the end of the tunnel.
How many US Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. None, the constitution says that only Congress can screw in light bulbs, so only Congress is responsible for the dark, which is why we need a Constitutional ammendment.
  2. Only one. If he can handle 250000000 people a day I think he can handle screwing one extra light bulb.
How many presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb?
Less and less all the time.
How many believable, competent, "just right for the job" presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb?
It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?
How many presidential campaign staff does it need to change a light bulb?
220! One to write a speech about how good it will be when the bulb is actually changed, one to write a speech about why the other candidates can't even spell "light bulbe", eighteen to find out what the other candidates did when the light bulb failed, and another two hundred to find out what the other candidate's families think about light bulbs, bulbs, pear-shaped objects, light in general, any form of energy.
How many aides does it take to change President Reagan's light bulb?
None, they like to keep him in the dark.
How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. Two -- One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues.
  2. None -- He'll only promise "change."
How many Presidential family members does it take to screw in a light bulb in the White House?
Two, Hillary for her office, Bill for the rest of the White House.
How many Limbaugh-heads does it take to change a light bulb?
The number is irrelevant; they just stand around muttering "ditto". And they don't do anything in the first place.
How many Oliver Norths does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Hell, how can he? He sold all the light bulbs to Iran.
How many Douglas Wilders does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I don't know, he can't decide if he is going to screw a light bulb in or not!
(Douglas Wilder dropped his candidacy for a seat in the Senate for Virginia, but then redecided to run after all.)
How many Chuck Robbs does it to take to screw in a light bulb?
None, Douglas Wilder broke his lamp and Oliver North sold his light bulb to Iran.
How many Dan Quayles does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but it has to be a pretty dim bulb.
How many Kennedys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, at least until we get some corroborating witnesses.
How many Reagans does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. What light bulb? Note: Topical to Reagan's apparent poor memory.
  2. Just one - Nancy. Note: Topical to Reagan's dependence on Nancy and her apparent de facto ascent to power in 1987
How many Reaganists does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten: One to deny that the bulb is burned out, one to clarify the denial ("The bulb is really just dim"), one to blame the bulb burning out on the Carter administration, one to blame the bulb burning out on Congress, one to ask for a Constitutional amendment that will prohibit bulbs from burning out, one to replace the bulb with a kerosene lamp, one to borrow money from the Japanese to pay for the kerosene, one former Reaganist to lobby his old colleagues for a special favour for the kerosene importer, one to cash the cheque for investing in the kerosene importer, one to send the bill to the next generation.
How many Perot supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they all just quit and go home!
How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.
  2. Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.
  3. Two. One to assume the latter (a pun) and change the bulb.
  4. None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. None. The invisible hand does it.
  2. None. "There is no need to change the light bulb. All the conditions for illumination are in place. Recent surveys show growing confidence in the light bulb lighting up again."
  3. None, because, look! It's getting brighter! It's definitely getting brighter !!!
How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
How many Liberal Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "Well it's not really a question of should we change it or should we not change the light bulb, but more a question of...(blah blah waffle)"
How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. One liberal and twenty eight delegates representing all the social, economic, and ethnic communities.
  2. Two-one to do it and the other to keep the first one's knee from jerking.
  3. None: They can't remove the old ones since they are already part of the environment.
How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. Two. One to do it and one to steady the chandelier.
  2. None, they only screw the poor
How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
How many Labour Party members does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They haven't got a policy on that.
How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. None, if he wants to sit in the dark, it's his business.
  2. None, because somebody might come into the room who likes to sit in the dark.
How many Thatcherites does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It's up to the private sector to provide the finance for it.
How many John Majors does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to not do anything about it and one to try and blame the failure of the old bulb on the Labour party who put the original bulb in place 17 years ago.
How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.
  2. None, the old bulb is just suffering from a cold.
How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. Two - one to screw it in, and a second to hand out leaflets.
  2. One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old one has burnt out.
How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an '800' number to order an American light bulb.
How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, the seeds of revolution and change are within the light bulb itself.
How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. None, that's the proletariat's work!
  2. Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production!
How many KGB agents does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it in and the other to check it for microphones.
How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
10,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.
How many Maoists does it take to change a light bulb?
One to screw in the bulb and a thousand to chant "Fight Darkness!"
How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
All of them.

Computers

How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.
How many IBM CPU's does it take to turn on a light bulb?
33 - 1 to process the instruction and 32 to process the interrupt.
How many electrical engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
We don't know yet. They're still waiting on a part.
How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "We'll fix it in software."
How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. None. "We'll document it in the manual."
  2. None. It's a hardware problem.
  3. One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down.
  4. Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
  5. Four. One to design the change, one to implement it, one to document it, and one to maintain it afterwards.
  6. Four, plus one senior analyst to manage the project, one technical writer to correct the spelling and grammar of the one who documented it, one light bulb librarian, a sales-force of at least five to drum up enough users who want to turn the light on, 274 users to burn out the new bulb, at which point we go to tender for another light bulb change,...
  7. Five. Two to write the specification program, one to screw it in, and two to explain why the project was late.
  8. Wait! Maybe the bulb isn't broken. Let's try it again.
  9. It's hard to say. Each time we separate the bulb into its modules to do unit testing, it stops working.
  10. The change is 90% complete.
  11. We looked at the light fixture and decided there's no point trying to maintain it. We're going to rewrite it from scratch. Could you wait two months?
  12. Only one, but she's not available. She's the only programmer we have who can get the <insert name here> software ready to ship to customers, and that's higher priority, you know.
  13. Of course, as everyone knows, just five years ago all it took was a bunch of kids in a garage in Palo Alto to change a light bulb.
How many real programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Real programmers prefer LEDs.
How many C programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they forgot to declare it first
How long does it take a C programmer to screw in a light bulb?
24 hours - 3 minutes to put in the bulb, the rest of the time to compile all the libraries.
How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so all you'd have to do is send a light bulb change message.
How many people does it take to change an object-oriented light bulb?
Change it? Aw shucks, I was going to reuse it.
How many FORTRAN programs does it take to change a light bulb?
1.00000000001
How many BASIC programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
10 push bulb upwards:twist bulb clockwise 20 goto 10
How many games machine programmers does it take to screw in a light-bulb?
One, but he needs the seal of approval from Nintendo before he can put his light-bulb in their socket.
How many Prolog programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
False.
How many Lisp programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out....
    Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out....
    Notes: LISP is a recursive programming language. One problem LISP programmers have to contend with is infinite recursion. (cf computer dictionary entry: recursion - see recursion) These lisp heads are usually research AI types and their standard answer is as in the punchline. It could be improved:
  2. (((H)mmm,) (I'm ((not) sure, better))) (find (out))...
How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
How many tech writers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "The user can work it out."
How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
The light bulb works fine on the system in my office . . .
How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
  1. Who can tell. FSE's are always in the dark.
  2. Two. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc)
  3. Well, the diagnostics all check out fine, so it's a software problem.
How long will it take?
That's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs they've brought with them.
What if you have two dead bulbs?
They replace your fuse box.
How many system administrators does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just keep everyone out of the room.
How many IBM engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They just let Marketing explain that "Dead Bulb" is a feature.
How many IBM PC owners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. Only one, but he'll have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor card first, which is extra.
  2. Two. One to do it, but one to check the new bulb for viruses first.
How many IBM tech writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
  2. Just one, provided there's an engineer around to explain how to do it.
How many Microsoft engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They just define darkness as an industry standard.
How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. One - but Bill Gates must inspect every single bulb and socket before the operation is started.
  2. Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.
How many MS tech supports does it take to change a light bulb?
"The light bulb doesn't work? You must be using a non-standard socket."
How many operating systems are required to screw in a light bulb?
Just one-Microsoft is making a special version of Windows for it.
How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
472. One to write WinGetLight BulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLight Bulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...
How many Windows users does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but she/he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for him as it would be for a Macintosh user.
How many Macintosh engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None - it has to be done by a local authorized dealer.
How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Seven. One to screw it in and six to design the tee-shirts.
How many Apple programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but why bother? Your light socket will just be obsolete in six months anyway.
How many Mac owners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. None - there's no documentation available, so you have to wait until a third-party supplier comes out with a solution.
  2. Just one, but the new light bulbs aren't compatible with the old sockets, so he has to buy a complete upgrade or a new light.
  3. Two: One to ask the socket to eject the old bulb, and one to insert the new one.
  4. Three: One to change the bulb, one to copyright the method for changing the bulb, and one to call in the lawyers on anyone who infringes on the "look and feel" of the bulb changing method.
  5. Mac users don't screw, they just click the genital icon.
How many Apple and IBM nuts does it take to change a light bulb?
An infinite number: nothing useful gets done while they're arguing. Finally a disgusted generic computer user (who will use any type that is in front of him) gets up and changes the bulb, elbowing the participants aside. The size of the crowd arguing seems to be a function of time, although whether or not the function is exponential is not known.
How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
  2. One, but first he has to determine the correct path.
How many Unix programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but if you forget to tell him "2>" he'll mash both the live and dead bulbs into the same socket at once.
How many Unix Support staff does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Read the man page!
How many Unix system vendors does it take to change a light bulb?
None. All of the light bulbs you have are 'standard variants' and as such won't fit your particular implementation of the socket. (However you do have the source code for your socket, so .....)
How many VMS heads does it take to change a light bulb?
All of them, and they will all scream at you in unison and tell you that the only light bulb you can use is a 100-watt soft white but you can use any 100-watt soft white as long as it's manufactured by DEC.

Professions

How many baby sitters does it take to change a light bulb?
None, They don't make Pampers small enough.
How many editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two - one to change the bulb and one to issue a rejection slip to the old bulb.
How many journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a light bulb assassin to break the bulb in the first place.
How many computer journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five-one to write a review of all the existing light bulbs so you can decide which one to buy, another one to write a remarkably similar one in another magazine the next month, a third to have a big one come out on glossy paper two months later that is by then completely out of date, a fourth to hint in his/her column that a completely new and updated bulb is coming out, and the fifth to report a rumor that that new bulb is shipping with a virus.
How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
1/3 as many as for a regular bulb.
How many cafeteria staff does it take to change a light bulb?
Sorry, we closed 18 seconds ago, and I've just cashed up.
How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb?
None, even a burned out bulb can't catch a waiter's eye.
How many waitresses does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. Two to stand around bitching about it and one to go get the manager.
How many librarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I don't know, but I can look it up for you.
How many cataloguers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but the Library of Congress has to do it first.
How many loggers does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but he uses a chainsaw.
How many Dixons assistants does it take to change a light bulb?
Err. Nahh, it's MEANT to go dark after a few weeks. It's a new fangled addition. It's been developed by, er, (etc...)
How many grocery store cashiers does it take to change a light bulb?
Are you kidding? They won't even change a five dollar bill.
How many London taxi drivers does it take to change a light bulb?
(Cue typical indignant Saaaaf London accent) What? Go all the way up there and come back empty? You must be jokin' mate !
How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb?
Four - one to change the bulb and three to cut a hole in the roof.
How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. Six - One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs.
  2. Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has until he finds one that fits, and the other to tell you he thinks he'll have to replace the whole socket.
How many Mafia members does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the light bulb and one to kill the witness.
How many teamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Eighteen, you got a problem with that?
How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb?
50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him .
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. It turned itself in.
How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. There never was any light bulb.
How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. Two. One to screw it in and one to screw it up.
  2. Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
  3. Five - one to change the light bulb and the other four to fill out the Environmental Impact Statement.
  4. One to spot the burned-out bulb, his supervisor to authorize a requisition, a requisition typist, twelve clerks to file the requisition copies, a mail clerk to deliver the requisition to the purchasing department, a purchasing agent to order the bulb, a clerk to forward the purchasing order, a clerk to mail-order a receiving clerk to receive the bulb....
  5. Seven-- one to supervise, one to arrange for the electricity to be shut off, one to make sure that safety and quality standards are maintained, one to monitor compliance with local, state, and federal regulations, one to manage personnel relations, one to fill out the paperwork and one to screw the light bulb into the water faucet.
  6. Just one. But she gets promoted three times before she finally finishes screwing it up.
  7. None, we contract out for things like that.
How many civil servants does it take to change the light bulb?
45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
How many city planners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Six - four to write an extensive study recommending a three-way 100/200/250 watt light bulb, one to write an article in the newspaper praising the study, and one to put in a 10 watt blub instead.
How many municipal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Seven - two to administer the Civil Service examination for the Light Bulb Administrator position, the Commissioner of Public Works, who ends up hiring his brother for the position anyway, one to plow the mayor's driveway, a Summer Youth student to actually screw it in, and a Union steward to protest that its the electrician's job to screw in light bulbs.
How many Pentagon procurement officers does it take to change a light bulb?
Look, for only $87 billion, we can put up this chain of fluorescent satellites that will illuminate the whole planet.
How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?
None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
How many NASA technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Seventy, and they plan it for two weeks and when they finally get around to it the weather's bad so they postpone it till next week. The light bulb costs 3 million dollars.
How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.
  2. One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke.
  3. One. He gives it to five Oregonians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke.
  4. In an earlier article, zeus!bobr writes:
    How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke... In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician can change a light bulb.
    If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the light bulb.
    Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers, n mathematicians can change a light bulb.
    Bibliography:
    [1] Wiener, Matthew P., <11485@ucbvax>, "Re: YALBJ", 1986
How many theoretical physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. If you know how many, you can't know if they've done it yet.
  2. If you want to know how many, you can observe them as they come in the door. But if not observed, they come in waves.
  3. The probability that the light bulb will actually be changed in any time interval is independent of how long you've been waiting.
How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, astronomers prefer the dark.
How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light bulb.
None. They are not interested in that short wave stuff.
How many school teachers does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. Let's see: 2 A+'s, 3 A's, 5 A-'s, 11 B+'s, 9 B's, 21 B-'s...
  2. None. Anything not completed during the lesson is added to the homework.
  3. One if at home, but on school time, four.
  4. On the space shuttle, 1,000,001. One to screw it in and a million to pick up the pieces.
How many university professors does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. Just one, but once we get tenure, we don't change anymore.
  2. Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
How many academics does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. None. That's what research students are for.
  2. Five: One to write the grant proposal, one to do the mathematical modelling, one to type the research paper, one to submit the paper for publishing, and one to hire a student to do the work.
How many signal processing engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to Fouriev transform the light bulb, one to apply a complex exponential rotational shifting operator, and one to inverse transform the removed light bulb.
How many Stanford researchers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to hold the ladder, one to turn the bulb, and one to bill the government for the house.
How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?
The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. Just one, but the light bulb has to really WANT to change.
  2. None. The bulb will change itself when it is ready.
How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes 30 visits.
How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand there going "To the left, and to the left, and to the left, and to the left, and take it out, and put it down, and pick it up, and put it in, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right..."
How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
How many executives does it take to change a light bulb?
A roomful - they have to hold a meeting to discuss all the ramifications of the change.
How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
What kind of answer did you have in mind?
How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
  2. We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.
How many hookers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. None - they get screwed - they don't usually do the screwing.
  2. None. "Who needs lights?"
How many massage parlor attendants does it take to change a light bulb?
Whatever number turns you on, big boy.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. How many can you afford?
  2. It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
  3. You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only).
  2. Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually drops it, and the others call for a planning session.
  3. Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one of their subordinates to actually change it.
How many WASPs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to call the electricion and one to fix the Martinis.
How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?
101. One to change it and 100 to convince everyone else to change light bulbs too.
How many Ayatollahs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. There were no lights in the thirteenth century.
How many ice skaters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to screw in the bulb, one to hire a hitman to club the other skater on the knee.
How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends on what you want to change it into.
How many circus performers does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. Four: One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!
  2. Four. One to change the bulb and three to sing, Ta da!
How many newsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but he'll tell everybody.
How many NBC news producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three, one to drill a hole in the light bulb so it blows up when he turns it on, one to film it, and one to insist on the truth of the report despite the manipulation.
How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me."
Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, the phrase was from "Laugh In."
How many guitarists/actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One hundred. One to screw it in and 99 to say, "Oh, I can do that."
How many rock'n'rollers does it take to change a light bulb?
5, one to change the bulb and 4 to get in free because they know the guy who owns the socket.
How many flute players does it to take to change a light bulb?
5, one to change the bulb, one to pull the ladder out from under her, and three to bitch about how much better they would have done it.
Do you know how many musicians it takes to screw in a light bulb?
  1. No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
  2. Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen in on the guest list.
How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. Nine. One to climb the ladder and replace the bulb, eight to stand around grumbling "That should be ME up there."
  2. Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
How many actresses does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but you should have seen the line outside the producer's hotel room.
How many movie directors does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's done everyone thinks that his last light bulb was much better.
How many Directors does it take to change a light bulb?
What do you think? (Theatre humour)
How many screenwriters does it take to change a light bulb?
"Why do we have to change it?"
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in light bulb?
Two, one to screw it in almost all the way in and the other to give it a suprising twist at the end.
How many science fiction writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, light bulb, changer and all was blown out of existence. They co-existed in a parallel universe, though.
How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle...
... and one to change the bulb.

Sports and games

How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb?
It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch.
How many anglers does it take to change a light bulb?
Five, and you should've seen the light bulb! It must have been this big.
How many chess computers does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to remove the light bulb by capturing it en passant, one to put the new one in by taking back the move whereby the old one was unscrewed, one to go snatching some pawns while all this action takes place on the other side of the board, and one to flash its lights, make lots of noise, and announce out of the blue that it has found a forced mate in seven.
How many chess grandmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. None. They are too "Short".
  2. 21. One to have the idea, and a whole load more to do all the analysis.
How many people does it take to change a light bulb for Bobby Fischer?
Two. One person to put the new one in, and another person to file three millimetres off it first.
How many ping pong players does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to complain that it's "table tennis" not "ping pong", one to change the light bulb, one to protest about the type of glue he used to fix the light bulb into place, and one to get out his copy of the "Bats 'R' Us" catalogue and point out that he could have bought an even better one for 50p less.
How many scrabble players does it take to change a light bulb?
I don't actually know, but it's on a triple word score anyway.

People

How does Ozzy Osbourne change a light bulb?
First he bites off the old one.
How many Einsteins does it take to change a light bulb?
That depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the bulb. Or vice versa, of course. Then it just might be easier to leave the bulb alone and change the room. It's all relative.
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
How many orgy attenders does it take to change a light bulb?
As many as possible, and don't ask what they do with the old bulb.
How many phone perverts does it take to change a light bulb?
GASP GASP The interesting thing PANT here is what GASP are they wearing when they do it? GASP GASP AHH AHHHHHhhh
How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb in San Francisco?
Both of them.
How many gay men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. Three, one to screw in an Art Deco bulb and two to shriek "Fabulous!"
  2. None, they get screwed in the ass instead.
  3. Hey, don't let's talk about the light bulb, honey, let's talk about the shade !
  4. Two. One to change it and one to grow a droopy moustache.
How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. Sixty-nine.
  2. Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.
  3. Two, one to do it and one to make a video documentary about it.
  4. Two. One to screw it in real good and one to call the gynaecologist.
How many homophobes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. First, they can't be sure the socket's feminine, and second, they'd really rather the bulbs stayed in the closet where they belong.
  2. It obviously has to be done by just one. They don't screw around with other men.
  3. Two: One to do it, and one to get the sterile rubber gloves because it's possible that a gay touched the bulb before him.
How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes eight million years.
How many pessimists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Why bother? It's just going to burn out anyway.
How many procrastinators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One - but he has to wait until the light is better.
How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.
How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of the way.
  2. Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
  3. One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is Four. One to change the bulb.
How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Billions and billions.
How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
"That's alright. I'll sit in the dark."
Why does it take three women on PMS to change a light bulb?
BECAUSE IT DOES, DAMMIT!
How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. You can do it yourself, dammit.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to declare that the bulb has violated the socket. One to secretly wish she was the socket. One to secretly wish she was the bulb. One to DO IT ALL BY HERSELF!!!! And one to stand there and say: THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. (It's a very simple task, so...) None. "It's a man's job."
  2. Three: one to take out the old one, one to sweep up the broken glass and another to phone her boyfriend to put the new one in.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. Men screw anything.
How many real men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Real men aren't afraid of the dark.
How many real women does it take to change a light bulb?
None: A real woman would have plenty of real men around to do it.
How many male chauvinistic pigs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
How many senior citizens does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but she pays a telemarketer $2000 for the new bulb.
How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb?
Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure.
How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. "What's a light bulb?"
  2. One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
  3. Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"
Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
They keep breaking them with the hammers.
How many Harvard men does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They're too good (nose in the air) to do such menial work.
How many Essex Girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they only screw in Cortinas
How many dyslexics (sp?) does it take to change a like bulb?
10, one to change the light bulb and 9 to missread the manual (sp?).
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Bathtub full of powertools
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three, but they're really only one.
How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on.
How many psychics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
---- You should have hit "n"!
How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb?
6: 2 to screw in the bulb and 4 to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
  1. None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.
  2. Only one. Oh, excuse me, could you please test the socket with your finger while I go get a new bulb?"
How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
As many as it takes to make a pile big enough to climb on to reach the bulb.
How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one. He grabs the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him.
How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
  2. It all depends on the size of the grant.
  3. Two and a professor to take credit.
  4. 1/100. A graduate student needs to change 100 light bulbs a day.
  5. I don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my advisor a $100,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he can tell me how to do the work for him so he can take the credit for answering this incredibly vital question.
How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. One hundred; one to change the light bulb, the other ninety-nine to stand around wondering why they weren't chosen.
  2. None, pre-meds don't screw, they study.
  3. Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him.
How many medical students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They are too busy propping up the bar.
How many maths students does it take to change a light bulb?
20. One to change it and the rest to watch and discuss how exciting it is.
How many sorority girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. 6 - one to screw it in and 5 to make the t-shirts.
  2. 51. One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb being changed.
How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg.
  2. Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins.
How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace.
How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
"Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000"

Animals and others

How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?
You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need.
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. Only 1, but you have to cut a hole in the skirting board for it to get in.
  2. Two, but don't ask me how they got in there.
How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. Two, but it has to be a pretty big light bulb!
  2. Only one, but it has to stand on a trunk to do it.
How many sheep does it take to change a light bulb?
Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to follow him round while he looks for a new one.
How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
How many medflies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None: they do it in the fruit.
How many neural nets does it take to change a light bulb ?
f'(x) = delta Sum log (HOUSE) / d(HOUSE)
How many antibiotics does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They're there to kill it off, not to help revive it.
  _________________________________________________________________

Long ones:

How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?
7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.
Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:
Blonde:
We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator:
Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde:
Yes.
Operator:
The power in the house in on?
Blonde:
Of course.
Operator:
And the switch is on?
Blonde:
Yes, yes.
Operator:
And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde:
No, it's working fine.
Operator:
Then what's the problem?
Blonde:
We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.
How many congressmen does it take to change a light bulb?
Five hundred and thirty-five, but only if the following conditions are met: The light bulb will not be changed in an election year. A committee will study the light-bulb situation for at least a year. Taxes will have to be raised. A fair and proportionate number of the light-bulb changers will be from minority groups. No Social Security funds will be used to change the bulb. Each state and congressional district will share in the benefits of changing the light bulb. The blame for the failure of the present bulb will be assigned to the other party. The new bulb will be twice as bright as the old bulb. Because the new bulb is twice as bright as the old bulb, it will cost 130 times as much. A Blue Ribbon Panel will investigate the light-bulb failures and issue a mega-page report to the congress. A fact-finding trip to all countries known to produce light bulbs will be made by most congressmen and their wives. The CIA will investigate the Russian light-bulb-changing system. Details of the Russian light-bulb-changing system will be sold to the Chinese by an American naval officer. The surgeon general will issue a report about the perils of over-bright light bulbs. A program to supply light bulbs to those who cannot afford them will be introduced by Tip O'Neill. President Reagan will give a speech extolling the virtues of kerosene lanterns. Tip O'Neall will initiate a program of free kerosene for the needy. And finally, each and every congressman will send every one of his constituents a newsletter describing how he managed to get the light bulb changed almost single-handedly.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
  2. You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
  3. Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i. E., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
    1. The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.
    2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
    3. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."
How many workers at Rocky Flats, the former nuclear weapon components plant in Golden, Colo., should it take to change a light bulb?
Sixteen--and that's no joke:

An internal memo written by a manager at the U.S. Department of Energy plant recommended a new safety procedure for "the replacement of a light bulb in a criticality beacon." The beacon, similar to the revolving red lamp atop a police car, warns workers of nuclear accidents. The memo said the job should take at least 16 people over 60 hours to replace the light. It added that the same job used to take 12 workers 4.15 hours.

The memo called for a planner to meet with six others at a work-control meeting; talk with other workers who have done the job before; meet again; get signatures from five people at that work-control meeting; get the project plans approved by separate officials overseeing safety, logistics, waste management and plant scheduling; wait for a monthly criticality-beacon test; direct electricians to replace the bulb; and then test and verify the repair. Mark Obmascik in Denver Post (reprinted in Reader's Digest)